Holding On Too Tightly

 For a long time I held on tightly to my goal, my vision, for where I felt my life should go. I had a plan for the job I was working for, what degrees I would get, what friends I would have, and what life would generally look like into retirement. I am very type A, so having a plan has always been, well, part of the plan.

Then 2020 happened.

It's cliche to say the pandemic changed everything. But the pandemic changed everything. It put me in a situation where I had no control; there was no plan, we didn't even know what the next day would bring. The laws were constantly changing, and in a heavily legislated state during covid, there were many daily changes. I couldn't travel as planned, so work was more difficult. We had farm animals, and finding feed and butchers was challenging. The days blurred together but also took forever; we had more days that year than the typical leap day, I'm pretty sure. Having a plan was missing from the cards.

But even before 2020, my life had already shifted away from my 'plan' on several fronts. I was working as an engineer, when I had planned to be a computer programmer. I wasn't working at my 'dream' job I had planned for by that point. I had started making strides into online education in HigherEd and found that I loved it. I had never intended to get into teaching, but there is good money there, and I enjoyed it. I gradually started taking steps further into education and was incredibly successful. I received rave reviews, job offers, promotions, extra contracts; it was crazy! In the corporate world, I had wanted to move into management, but despite the extra work I put in, it had yet to really go anywhere. In education I was just showing up, but even what I felt was mid level effort was seen as extraordinary. It wasn't that I wasn't trying, but my gifts were more naturally suited to this new field, and it allowed me so much opportunity I had never imagined. 

I remember when I was in my first semester as a freshmen waiting for my American History course to start. I over heard some students talking about how to teach college; you only needed a masters, you didn't even need a degree in teaching. That conversation was filed away in my brain, but I had no aspiration to be a college faculty member. Dealing with whiney students who sleep during class? No thank you! Plus having to get a masters or even a doctorate? Heck no! Who wants to put in that much time in college??

Life is funny.

I always said I'd never get into teaching. I'd be done after I got my bachelors, maybe an MBA, to move up into the higher ranks in the corporate world. I'd put in the extra time and effort and be rewarded for it in my job. I held on so tightly to that plan for so long, it would happen, I just needed to make it happen. 

But then, like so much, God carefully pried my plan out of my clenched fingers. I never got the dream job I had planned. I lost the corporate job I had worked so hard for. We lost our church and friends we had invested so much in. As a child and teen my dream was to be a writer, but I never got published. In college I was going to get that internship I had planned, but everyone except me got it. I finally reached a point where I let all my plans go, took a step back, and stopped fighting.

The funniest things started happening after that...

After being fired and then laid off in a period of two weeks, I fell into several great work opportunities I would've missed otherwise. 

We lost our church and friends, but showed up at another church on a Sunday where half the congregation was out sick and the pastor was a one man act that day. It was the greatest service we'd been to in ages and we were welcomed so warmly by everyone there. We've made amazing new friendships that we didn't even realize we were missing! I feel like we even have a better understanding of life in general than we did previously.

I didn't get the dream job, but I am now working an even better dream I didn't know existed.

I was always fighting for recognition and promotions, but since I stopped doing that, they've been just happening, with some really exciting things on the horizon.

I got my first ever lead role in a play (I love acting) and am now on the board of the organization.

I never planned on a doctorate, but I went for it, and somehow turned out a great capstone project that got a lot of compliments.

I've connected with some amazing peers in the education world and have built some solid friendships.

We are so quick to share bad news with the world, but rarely the good and complex news. It is so hard when the prayers you pray fervently are answered with a no, it doesn't make sense to us! But it's like that country song 'I thank God for unanswered prayers' because each closed door led to an even better open window I'd have missed entirely if I had my way.

I know this process is far from over, but I think it's important to stop and give thanks for the good in life and remind myself why I shouldn't hold on so tightly. While I will always believe in having a plan, I hope in the future, I'll remember to leave a lot of wiggle room for the unexpectedly amazing to fit in.