The Country is Grieving

We commonly talk about the stages of grief - denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance.  These stages are not linear or independent of each other.  Its possible to be angry and depressed at the same time.  You can be well into acceptance for years, before one day you are thrown back into depression.  The stages of grief don't just happen when a loved one dies, but during any major negative event.  A house fire, divorce, death, loss of a job, and so on.  Right now the country is grappling with these things as we've done before, but we weren't emotionally healthy to begin with so it is making this process significantly more complicated.

After 9/11, the country was united in an amazing way.  We had a common enemy we could throw our hatred to, we rallied behind a president in a way we had not for a long time and have not done since.  The show of patriotism was unparalleled and touched every aspect of our lives.  Ultimately though, the war dragged on, nothing was resolved, and we fell a part, further divided than ever.  Before the pandemic, we were split.  Divided and bitter.  The other side is always evil and wrong, we have no space for nuanced conversation.  If your opinion can't be summed up in a simple sentence but preferably a single word, we can't discuss it. Our politicians haven't helped this and social media has fanned the flames.  Considering how we are told there is a gradient scale to everything, we are certainly expected to be black and while in our beliefs.

When reports out of China first came to light, we weren't even into denial.  These things happen with alarming frequency from China, we can't stop the world every time.  As it began to spread, most people believed it was no big deal, and it wouldn't get into our country.  Even now, there are a startling number still trapped in denial.  Its no big deal.  The flu kills more.  So you get sick.  They're faking the numbers.  Hospitals get paid more if they diagnose Coronavirus.  Those people would've died anyway.  No.  Just no.  Numbers can help paint a story, but its the anecdotes in this case that provide it color.  No flu season has ever caused refridgerator trucks to be parked outside hospitals for day after day before the morgues are overflowing.  We've never run out of PPE for a normal bug.  Some of these people may have died anyway, but not all, not most, and not yet.  42,000 Americans died in a month, the flu doesn't do that.  Nothing we've dealt with in modern times does that.

There is anger.  So much anger.  We've always been an angry nation.  I cannot imagine that Patrick Henry calmly stated 'Give me liberty, or give me death' in a calm tone to a settled crowd.  Passion is in the fabric of nation.  We believe in things here, its why we are the people that we are.  People are protesting, not because they're all idiots (some are, Q people I'm looking at you) but because they believe in things.  They believe in having the right to leave their houses, even if they chose not to.  They believe in their businesses surviving.  They are angry that they are asked to lose their jobs, livelihoods, houses, cars, everything while the government can't even process unemployment claims in any sort of timely manner.  Its not right to expect to take away everything from people and have them just sit quietly.  That's not human nature, its not American nature.  Unheard anger can, and will lead to louder and noisier expression of anger.  Those who can't get food, medicine, jobs, or allowed into a building, will lead to louder outbursts.  People are scared of getting sick and dying, they are scared of living and losing everything but their life.  Anger at the unknown is a normal emotion, but that doesn't mean it won't lead to terrifying endings.

Depression has hit everyone in different ways.  For some it is literal tears, others its the quiet retreat deeper into themselves.  Its a sadness of the way of life we've lost either temporarily or permanently.  A large upheaval causes anyone to be sad for what is gone and its okay to feel these things.  In addition to the depression from the pandemic, there is the depression over loss of life, loss of livelihood, loss of a hard fought for small business, loss of a planned out future.  We've all seen the much publicized statistic that calls to suicide hotlines are up 3x's their normal volume, but did you know that its estimated for every 1% unemployment goes up, 37,000 people die?  Stress and depression weaken strong bodies leading to heart attacks and strokes.  Depression over job losses can lead to suicide.  Not surprisingly, depression can quickly lead back to anger and that's where homicide can happen.  None of this is an excuse, but its important to understand why these things happen and what leads people doing the things that they do.

Bargaining is a weird one and honestly one of the stages I personally spend the least amount of time in.  This is the phase where we try and regain control in an uncertain world.  If we all stay home with will all go away and we can go back to normal!  If our leadership makes different choices... If we close/open different stores... We just need to hang on until a vaccine is rolled out!  All of this is an attempt to try and take control of an uncontrollable situation.  If only we had done something different earlier!  Hindsight is always 20/20.

Acceptance is the final stage and ultimately where we must all get to as a country.  The world is forever different, there is no going back.  Even if Covid-19 is gone tomorrow, no one will ever quite feel safe again like we did before.  Already I cringe when I see tv shows where people shake hands, or am surprised how full the shelves are in the grocery stores.  Two months ago neither one of those would've seemed weird, but now I know it'll always hit a weird chord for me and many others.  We must start adjusting to what life can and will look like.  What does this mean for travel?  How long will be dealing with ongoing outbreaks?  When will the world begin to feel safer?  How can we begin to work around some of these obstacles?  For a long time we've all discussed the possibility of a pandemic, and it finally happened, but this will hardly be the last time.  We are a globally connected society, and diseases can come from a whole variety of terrifying sources.  100 years ago Ebola wasn't even in existence but now its one of the more terrifying ones out there.  We need to begin to build so that the next time this happens, we don't have to stop everything because we are already prepared.

Whenever I am talking with someone about a major life event, I always encourage them to feel their grief, because that is the only way you can ever get better.  If we don't understand and acknowledge our grief as a nation, we will never begin to heal.  This doesn't have to be the end, but a beginning.  Perhaps the beginning of a more cordial society where we can believe different things, but that doesn't require pitchforks.  Or perhaps where we understand that we need to work together, even if we don't always agree.  We can make this a rebirth, a rejuvenation of all that is good about us as a people.  Or we can let it tear us a part.

We need to make a choice.