Blood or Water?
Blood is thicker than water.
Or at least that's the saying. Usually its one of those phrases that gets thrown out in family arguments to manipulate someone into doing something for their family. The phrase is kind of a get out of jail free card for all sorts of family nonsense. I think the thought is 'well I'm family so you need to put up with me and accept me exactly how I choose to be in this moment'.
When we're with family, we have this idealized image that they need to put up with all of our faults and imperfections, and there is no expectation that we need to be better than we are. While you can be comfortable with close friends, no one ever lets their personality hang out quite like they do around parents, siblings, spouses, and children. Usually its a less polished, harsher version of ourselves. There can be a sense of trying to impress, but I think often that's a quickly pushed aside facade in favor of FINALLY not have to try anymore. I mean they're family, they have to love you right?
I've never agreed with this.
We have friends because of common interests, situations, or just a mutual affection for who each other are. While there is a level of comfort and openness, there is still a measure of restraint in attempting to be a good friend. I would theorize that with family there is even more of an obligation to be a decent person, not less. We don't get to choose our family, we're stuck with them no matter what, but that doesn't mean they get taken for granted and only shown our most obnoxious qualities, but rather the opposite. If you were trapped in a room with a handful of people forever, wouldn't you want to work out a system that worked so you all could have the best possible existence together in that room? Rather what we choose to do is to revert to our worst form because hey they're not getting out of the room anyway so why bother trying?
A friend is someone who chooses to be there with us, crying in those awful moments and celebrating in the good. Someone who makes a choice to be there, will always be a stronger bond than someone who has to be there. I would argue this is part of what leads to problems in marriages is this obligation of having to be there for a spouse as opposed to where we once chose to be there. Is it not the same thing in the end? You are still in the situation, right? Perhaps in a literal sense it is, but as in anything, its the heart and spirit behind that matter. Someone who will help you bury bodies at 2am will always be a better companion than a sibling that has to help because they don't want the family name tarnished.
Its this lackadaisical attitude that leads so rapidly to division in families; and not just between spouses. Children who demand from their parents as if their existence justifies a continued stream of gifts or parents who take the love and support of their children for granted while not investing time and emotion as they should. Grandparents who assume a place in a grandchild's life because they are blood and thus should have access.
If you talk to most anyone, we all have baggage from family. Often deep seeded baggage that affects all of our relationships in the future. There is the baggage from specific acts done or not, or the baggage that comes with the maturity of adulthood and realizing that your parents are not the people you need them to be. Or inversely that your children are not who you wish they were. You don't tend to see these issues with friendships, as those are cherry picked from all the people around us for those who best compliment us. While many friendships don't withstand the test of time, they also don't tend to leave nearly the bitterness that comes from family dramatics.
In the end, which means more, blood or water? Family or friend? Or does it not matter truly as long as we go into all of our relationships with our eyes open as to their behavior but most importantly, our own. What alienation have we caused to those closest because we were too focused on our own passions and comfort, and because we can't be bothered to put out a metaphorical hand to those who's bonds are supposedly closest?
Or at least that's the saying. Usually its one of those phrases that gets thrown out in family arguments to manipulate someone into doing something for their family. The phrase is kind of a get out of jail free card for all sorts of family nonsense. I think the thought is 'well I'm family so you need to put up with me and accept me exactly how I choose to be in this moment'.
When we're with family, we have this idealized image that they need to put up with all of our faults and imperfections, and there is no expectation that we need to be better than we are. While you can be comfortable with close friends, no one ever lets their personality hang out quite like they do around parents, siblings, spouses, and children. Usually its a less polished, harsher version of ourselves. There can be a sense of trying to impress, but I think often that's a quickly pushed aside facade in favor of FINALLY not have to try anymore. I mean they're family, they have to love you right?
I've never agreed with this.
We have friends because of common interests, situations, or just a mutual affection for who each other are. While there is a level of comfort and openness, there is still a measure of restraint in attempting to be a good friend. I would theorize that with family there is even more of an obligation to be a decent person, not less. We don't get to choose our family, we're stuck with them no matter what, but that doesn't mean they get taken for granted and only shown our most obnoxious qualities, but rather the opposite. If you were trapped in a room with a handful of people forever, wouldn't you want to work out a system that worked so you all could have the best possible existence together in that room? Rather what we choose to do is to revert to our worst form because hey they're not getting out of the room anyway so why bother trying?
A friend is someone who chooses to be there with us, crying in those awful moments and celebrating in the good. Someone who makes a choice to be there, will always be a stronger bond than someone who has to be there. I would argue this is part of what leads to problems in marriages is this obligation of having to be there for a spouse as opposed to where we once chose to be there. Is it not the same thing in the end? You are still in the situation, right? Perhaps in a literal sense it is, but as in anything, its the heart and spirit behind that matter. Someone who will help you bury bodies at 2am will always be a better companion than a sibling that has to help because they don't want the family name tarnished.
Its this lackadaisical attitude that leads so rapidly to division in families; and not just between spouses. Children who demand from their parents as if their existence justifies a continued stream of gifts or parents who take the love and support of their children for granted while not investing time and emotion as they should. Grandparents who assume a place in a grandchild's life because they are blood and thus should have access.
If you talk to most anyone, we all have baggage from family. Often deep seeded baggage that affects all of our relationships in the future. There is the baggage from specific acts done or not, or the baggage that comes with the maturity of adulthood and realizing that your parents are not the people you need them to be. Or inversely that your children are not who you wish they were. You don't tend to see these issues with friendships, as those are cherry picked from all the people around us for those who best compliment us. While many friendships don't withstand the test of time, they also don't tend to leave nearly the bitterness that comes from family dramatics.
In the end, which means more, blood or water? Family or friend? Or does it not matter truly as long as we go into all of our relationships with our eyes open as to their behavior but most importantly, our own. What alienation have we caused to those closest because we were too focused on our own passions and comfort, and because we can't be bothered to put out a metaphorical hand to those who's bonds are supposedly closest?
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