Our 'True' Selves
When I wrote my last blog post, I wrote it how I usually do, ahead of time, then scheduled it to post later. It was something I was thinking about at the time and had been for a bit, and I finally put electronic pen to paper and wrote it. Coincidentally, right around the time I posted it something happened in my large circle of friends and acquaintances that very much illustrated the point I was making. To set the record straight should anyone wonder, it was not a passive aggressive, whipped together at the last minute sort of post as a response to what was stated, but purely coincidental. It's funny how that can happen sometimes.
In thinking on that and the need to clarify, it got my mind churning to the ever burning topic in life of how we perceive our self, and how others see us. I view myself as a very confident person and I imagine most people who know me would agree with that. But in my own mind I have a constant dialogue of what I did or said, what it means, how it shows what I am or am not. I have boxes that I feel I fit in and ways I describe myself, but I'm often surprised when I get candid feedback from others and what they see when they look at me. To an extent I don't care, life is too short to worry about what others think, but it's also fascinating how different my perception can be from what they perceive.
Collectively as a culture we are struggling with understanding this idea that what we see, isn't what others see, but that's okay. Everyone everywhere doesn't have to like us for exactly who we are, and the 'us' that they see, doesn't need to be our true authentic self completely either. There are different versions of ourselves we choose to use in different situations. I am one person in the evening with a glass of wine watching Netflix, and another during the day when I'm working trying to wrangle vendors, and another when I'm trying to heard small children to do something. Ultimately, none of these are a full view of who I am, but pieces of a whole. None of them are deceptive, but none are complete either. I think the message in popular culture is that you must accept a person in full and you must show yourself to everyone completely as who you are all the time. If we are friends, I care about all the pieces of you, but if we are colleagues I really don't care about some of those other parts, nor should it matter to you if I accept the things you do outside of me. There is a certain social contract we all have, or used to have, on proper behavior and acceptable standards in different situations, but so often that has been thrown out the window and there is no acceptable level of anything. You must accept a person entirely for who they are, and to do otherwise is some sort of -ist and discrimination.
Everything in our world has been or is being sacrificed on the altar of self fulfillment. There is no greater calling than to pursue your own happiness and fulfillment, despite the ironic truth that humans we are the most happy when we bring true joy and happiness to others. There is a balance of course and I am the first to scream that I can't do everything for all people all the time, but I also know that only so much of my own happiness can be achieved on my own. While there are short term gains to the contrary we will never end life happy and alone.
Where does this leave us? Ultimately, as with anything, in a situation where we need balance. We need collective wisdom that is is okay to not be completely comfortable with the things someone does for X, Y, or Z personal reason, but that it is also not right to treat them as a terrible person because we disagree. We always will disagree on a broad range of issues, its okay, its what makes us who we are as people. However, there is a difference between amicable disagreement, and intentional destruction of everything because it does not agree with us and I think this gets lost in so many situations.
There will always be a difference between our own mind and who we think we are, and the perception of those outside, but there is certainly a need for caution in trying to reconcile the two and great discernment in what should be done to pursue any harmony between them. A person's opinion will never truly be swayed by a mallet to the head telling them why they are seeing wrong, but a change in demeanor, attitude, and how we interact does go a long way two lining things up. However, we cannot and should not ever expect that our internal views of ourselves and the external view is the same, nor should we expect the same from others.
In each of us, their are pieces we don't like and try to smother under a mountain of character improvements, and despite Hollywood telling us otherwise, there is no benefit to showing these dark parts of ourselves to others, nor should we expect them to love and embrace these pieces within. Only in this strange era of unconditional acceptance are we expected to love and support the bad parts of oneself and demonize efforts to be better as hiding our 'true self'. If Criminal Minds has taught me anything, its that people do have deep levels of darkness, and there is nothing redeeming about allowing those pieces to be exposed. While most of us are not closet serial killers, we all have a penchant towards different kinds of evil, and while we should always be aware of that that is within, it is on us, and only us, to control it and never let another be aware of it.
In thinking on that and the need to clarify, it got my mind churning to the ever burning topic in life of how we perceive our self, and how others see us. I view myself as a very confident person and I imagine most people who know me would agree with that. But in my own mind I have a constant dialogue of what I did or said, what it means, how it shows what I am or am not. I have boxes that I feel I fit in and ways I describe myself, but I'm often surprised when I get candid feedback from others and what they see when they look at me. To an extent I don't care, life is too short to worry about what others think, but it's also fascinating how different my perception can be from what they perceive.
Collectively as a culture we are struggling with understanding this idea that what we see, isn't what others see, but that's okay. Everyone everywhere doesn't have to like us for exactly who we are, and the 'us' that they see, doesn't need to be our true authentic self completely either. There are different versions of ourselves we choose to use in different situations. I am one person in the evening with a glass of wine watching Netflix, and another during the day when I'm working trying to wrangle vendors, and another when I'm trying to heard small children to do something. Ultimately, none of these are a full view of who I am, but pieces of a whole. None of them are deceptive, but none are complete either. I think the message in popular culture is that you must accept a person in full and you must show yourself to everyone completely as who you are all the time. If we are friends, I care about all the pieces of you, but if we are colleagues I really don't care about some of those other parts, nor should it matter to you if I accept the things you do outside of me. There is a certain social contract we all have, or used to have, on proper behavior and acceptable standards in different situations, but so often that has been thrown out the window and there is no acceptable level of anything. You must accept a person entirely for who they are, and to do otherwise is some sort of -ist and discrimination.
Everything in our world has been or is being sacrificed on the altar of self fulfillment. There is no greater calling than to pursue your own happiness and fulfillment, despite the ironic truth that humans we are the most happy when we bring true joy and happiness to others. There is a balance of course and I am the first to scream that I can't do everything for all people all the time, but I also know that only so much of my own happiness can be achieved on my own. While there are short term gains to the contrary we will never end life happy and alone.
Where does this leave us? Ultimately, as with anything, in a situation where we need balance. We need collective wisdom that is is okay to not be completely comfortable with the things someone does for X, Y, or Z personal reason, but that it is also not right to treat them as a terrible person because we disagree. We always will disagree on a broad range of issues, its okay, its what makes us who we are as people. However, there is a difference between amicable disagreement, and intentional destruction of everything because it does not agree with us and I think this gets lost in so many situations.
There will always be a difference between our own mind and who we think we are, and the perception of those outside, but there is certainly a need for caution in trying to reconcile the two and great discernment in what should be done to pursue any harmony between them. A person's opinion will never truly be swayed by a mallet to the head telling them why they are seeing wrong, but a change in demeanor, attitude, and how we interact does go a long way two lining things up. However, we cannot and should not ever expect that our internal views of ourselves and the external view is the same, nor should we expect the same from others.
In each of us, their are pieces we don't like and try to smother under a mountain of character improvements, and despite Hollywood telling us otherwise, there is no benefit to showing these dark parts of ourselves to others, nor should we expect them to love and embrace these pieces within. Only in this strange era of unconditional acceptance are we expected to love and support the bad parts of oneself and demonize efforts to be better as hiding our 'true self'. If Criminal Minds has taught me anything, its that people do have deep levels of darkness, and there is nothing redeeming about allowing those pieces to be exposed. While most of us are not closet serial killers, we all have a penchant towards different kinds of evil, and while we should always be aware of that that is within, it is on us, and only us, to control it and never let another be aware of it.
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