Strength & Words

Happy Girls Are the Prettiest – Audrey Hepburn

A friend of mine found this quote hanging in the girls bathroom at her sons school.  She posted it Facebook saying it really bothered her that it meant unhappy girls weren’t pretty and sent the wrong idea to girls.  Of course everyone piled on the band wagon and said she should discuss with the school, cover it up with a different saying, how it’s offensive, etc.  It was the full blown frenzy that you would expect for something like this on the internet.

Let’s just take a step back here.  There are absolutely unrealistic expectations for women and we should not teach young girls the only value they have to society is to be pretty, polite, obedient, and a size 2.  We should raise our daughters to be strong, independent individuals who can take on the world with confidence and poise.  However, we will never, ever do that if we teach them instead that everything like this will tear them down and hurt them in some way.  Why shouldn’t we make society get rid of sexist sayings like this (surely the boys bathroom didn’t have anything similar) but no, instead we need to teach our daughters to take this with the grain of salt it is worth.  All this sign is saying is that happiness is pretty, not that you’re ugly if you aren’t happy, not to hide your feelings, not telling girls they aren’t pretty now, just that happiness is pretty. 

What is so wrong with that?

Why does everything have to be a thing?  Why can’t we just look at the sign and say ‘yes, happiness is pretty’ not ‘this clearly is an attempt to alienate depressed girls from the rest of society’.  No!  That is not what this is!  That is not what any of this is!  Strength comes from trial and effort and persistence, it does not and never will come from cushy easiness.  You can’t build arm muscles by not lifting, and you cannot build strength of person by having everything made easier for you.  Something offends you?  It must be removed! 

This attitude that has permeated our society will do nothing but create weak adults and a weak society.  Even had the sign said ‘if you’re not happy you’re ugly’ is this still the right answer?  Must we demand everything offensive be removed?  Or would it be better to laugh at the ridiculousness of the author and go about our lives?  Would not the better conversation to have with our daughter be why that sign is wrong and why they shouldn’t believe it?  Yes we can make things soft and ensure they never anything but positive affirming messages their entire lives, but that will only set them up for far greater pain later when they realize the world does not work that way.  No amount of effort on our part will change the basic nature of people and the basicness of how the world functions.  The world is hard and cruel, and we should do everything we can to fight against that, but we also must build with the strength to withstand. 

A strong tree cannot grow without wind and a truly strong tree can withstand ferocious winds, but a tree that has been raised in a greenhouse for eighteen years and then is planted outside, will collapse at the first breeze.  Strength is forged from hardship, nor will ever come from softness.  It is a sign of internal confidence in ourself, confidence in who our strengths and acceptance of our weaknesses.  Confidence is not cockyness and arrogance, but an understanding of who were are, and loving ourselves for all of our faults and assets.  We must teach our daughters to fight against the things that matter, sluff off the things that don’t, and draw from an inner strength only they can control. 

Things like this will not destroy us, but our reactions to it will.